February 7, 2012

• Helium

  I've started seeing a psychologist, and he's a really good one. Nothing like the passive sex voyeur I saw back in Texas. This guy is focused on results and giving me tools.

  Yesterday I learned something major.

  I'm basically a sweetheart kind of guy who, as far back as I can remember, has never intentionally hurt anyone. Because of that, I never really learned what true guilt is -- at least, not that kind of guilt. The guilt of hurting someone intentionally.

  That being said, I've always felt bad when bad things happen to people, and especially when it was something I did, or do, that causes that hurt. I've carried a world of these bad feelings with me my whole life. Then yesterday my shrink taught me that important, vital thing:

  There's a huge difference between being guilty, and feeling bad. I've always felt guilty. But since I've never intentionally hurt anyone, I have no reason to actually feel guilty -- for anything. Bad, yes. It's right and natural to feel bad for something that causes someone pain -- but to blame yourself for it? To carry around guilt because of it? No.

  Learning that, learning that I've been misplacing guilt my entire life, feeling guilty for things I should never have felt guilty for, was one of those huge "Why the fuck didn't I know this?" moments. I walked out of the office feeling rather heavy, somber, and then suddenly it was like a huge weight lifted off of me, and I felt like I was suddenly full of helium. I had always been trying to forgive myself for things ... turns out I never needed to! There was nothing to forgive!

  I am feeling really good right now.

  • 7:32 am
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